Is THAT for me?!

When life gets sucky, my first conclusion is that God gyped me. That he was so busy preparing a lushious feast for others, that he frantically had to whip together pot of porridge for me. Nothing tantalizing about it. Just enough nutrients to keep me alive, but no frills or details or raisins included. I think he's giving me just enough so I won't keel over and die, but He sure as heck doesn't want to lavish me with His love or shower me in His goodness.

Yikes, what a dangerous perspective.

I relate the happenings of living in a cursed world to God's love for me? I try to squeeze him into my limited human equation that if x+y=crappy circustances than that's His proof of forgetting about me? I really don't get it. I don't get what it means to be a daughter of a Loving, Gracious Heavenly Father. I don't get the fact that I live in a fallen world where life is not as it was meant to be. That people will fail me, that circumstances will almost crush me, that I'll deeply wound others. But that Christ is redeeming this world, ME, others in the HEAT of the fires of brokeness. That He uses these cursed situations to draw us closer to Him, the only quenching resting place. I'd rather live with the illusion that this IS the only rest I'll get so it better be worthwhile?! What a sad lie I've bought into. If you are one who prays...I would covet your prayers. Below is a letter I sent to group of friends who've committed to praying with and for me during this season in my life:

Dear praying friends,

As I head into my last full week at home, I'm feeling the need to be covered in your prayers again. I started the morning in tears as Matthew and I had a pretty heated discussion about changes that need to happen with Brighton and how we're handling his sleep issues. After coming back together and realizing we're both sapped and running on empty, we both encouraged one another to "recruit the troops" to pray for us as we head into some emotionally tough changes.

Here's the brief synopsis, with more details below, if you care to read on:

Please pray for:

1. Wisdom for Matthew and I, and partnership, as we sort through all the "sleep trainer methods" and figure out something that works for all three of us - Matthew, Brighton and myself.

2. For rest in Christ as my Father AND Brighton's Father as we start our first week- next Monday- being apart for 7 hours a day. For us both to adjust to the transition of being separated.

3. To be able to THANK Christ for these circumstances, which is just what Matthew, Brighton and I need to depend more on Him and less on ourselves and life going how we think it should. As we are being encouraged to believe by more seasoned folks who have gone before us...even if we don't FEEL that way.

4. For my heart to be able to worship Christ and enjoy Him in the MIDST of these circumstances...not when they get better or when I feel better about them.

And for those who have time to read on, here are some of my thoughts on the above prayer needs...

1. It STINKS to be at odds with your hubby and feel like you're on two totally separate pages...especially when it comes to your new kiddo. We need to both step out of the victim role and move into a partnership about this whole sleep thing and how to make changes in what currently is going on. And we need wisdom from the SPIRT...not all the well-meaning friends or piles of books I've breezed through...we need Christ to direct us towards what changes need to be made and when. This is a hard week we're heading up to with me going back to work and I feel like I have NOTHING to give, NO energy to make changes, and am treading on thin emotional ice.

2. Needless to say, I am NOT looking forward to walking out the door at 7:30am next Monday morning. I never thought it would be so hard to say goodbye to another person who is so dependent on you before. It's different than saying goodbye to my family as I headed off to college, or saying goodbye to Matthew before we got married when we would have brief weekend visits here in Philly or in Colorado. It's same in the sense of feeling a tearing that just "doesn't seem right"...but more intense when it's this little person that grew inside you for 10 months and who hasn't been out of your sight for more than 3-4hours for any stretch of his life yet. And more than that, I just love being apart of his daily changes and growth and love being a mom. Going off to a job for a credit card company just feels so...pointless. But as I was praying yesterday morning for Christ to keep showing me my heart and sin that's festering in there, he brought me to a reading by a guy named Taito Kantonen who was discussing Luther's ideas on stewardship and vocation, "While his daily work appears to have nothing to do with God, he (Luther) sees it as a mask disguising God's presence. He recognizes the world with all its activities as God's workshop, not something neutral , secular or profane, to which the church must try to give spiritual content. He learns to avoid a false division between the spiritual and the earthly..." At this time in my life, God has given me this job. And I can resist that and be bitter towards that and argue how wrong it is that I should have to leave Brighton...or I can trust that this is the circumstance he uniquely designed for me, Brighton and Matthew and for the GOOD of our hearts, souls and relationship with Him. I need to REST in my daughtership and trust He knows what's best for all three of us. And trust his Fathering of Brighton and the circumstances He is leading him through now and ALL the circumstances - tough & trying - He'll lead him through in the future.

3. And again, as we're being challenged by other loving, but bold figures in our lives - we need to learn to thank Christ for these circumstances, because they are causing us to be the weak, needy children we're supposed to be and not the together, proud pseudo-christians we try to be. I need a big Savior to rescue me from thinking I know what's best for myself and my loved ones! And He's here, and He offers that freedom, and I need to learn how to THANK HIM for it!

4. And as my mom is always challenging me to do more of in sucky circumstances...worship Christ! I am so hesitant to turn on the ipod and listen to some worship music or read some Valley of Vision because it just feels so pointless. I feel too bogged down in my circumstances and too annoyed at Christ for supposedly slopping porridge on my plate instead of giving me a feast, that I don't even really WANT to worship Him. I'm stuck in that haze of a lie. Even when I'm ALWAYS proved wrong by how He provides and cares for me. It's crazy how when the Spirit forces me to give in and I'm suddenly face to face with a glorious God...how humbling and overpowering it is. My world and focus is suddenly reoriented to the truth. That this life will never measure up. That God is more worthy of ALL my praise and energy and focus than anything else. That in worship is where I'll find really soul-quenching rest...and that's the only place. That seriously is the ONLY place. I get cat-nap type rest when my circumstances are better, when Brighton has allowed me a 3 hour chunk of sleep, when Matthew and I are lovey-dovey, and so on. But that deep, comforting REST I've only ever found in giving up and falling into worship of this crazy, wild, passionate God. I need more of that time, even if it's a 5 minute song. I need serious reorientation....especially as I head into next week.

Thank you for reading my ramblings and being the prayer "arms" that support my weakness. Somedays I'm tired of feeling so much and just want to be free of it all. I long for that perfected self I'll get to be in heaven, that only wants to run around with her Daddy and enjoy being in love with Him completely and purely.

Please let me know how I can love you all through my prayers for you and all that fills your lives during this season. It helps to get my eyes off myself and pulls me back into the kingdom and how God is on the move in OTHERS!

Much love,
Amy

Weekend activity

Just a few weeks shy of being 3 months old, Brighton has now started looking around and pushing himself up while on his tummy. Even though he shakes for a little while like an old man, then puts his face back into the pillow or our chest, whever he happens to be.

He also has discover his tongue, which he makes use of often, looking as if he's trying to eat his own face.

And here are the dreaded "battle wounds" from his run in with the doctor this past Monday for his immunizations. He had a tough couple of days with a fever and just feeling cranky, but seems to have forgotten the whole ordeal...for now at least...until month 4 comes along.

These are a few leftovers from our C'ville week trip. Matthew and I out on our FIRST DATE NIGHT without B!! Mom & Dad took care of the boy and Matthew and I headed to the Downtown outdoor mall of C'ville. Thanks to Matthew's grandparents, who sent us some incredible date money, we were able to enjoy an amazing meal, bottle of wine and lots of uninterrupted conversation.

Weekend pics are up and running...

...check them out on the photo section to the right. Under "Our Little B". They're actually pictures from our whole week in Charlottesville. Enjoy.

2 month check-up

All I have to say is "YUCK!". I am not going to enjoy these "milestone" check-ups anymore after Brighton's first set of vaccinations today. Poor little guy. If I wasn't such a proud person who hates crying in front of people, I know I would have started sobbing as much as he did. He was so good for physical - getting his totally invasive temperature check, bright lights in his eyes, probes stuck in his ears, mouth, and so on. He just cooed and smiled for the doctor. And his reward? Two shots in each thigh. It took forever to calm him down afterwards. It was miserable. But the rest of the time we spent with Dr. Cady was wonderful. He was actually reassuring with where B is at in terms of eating and sleeping. He debunked a lot of "promises" these sleep trainers offer - in teaching babies to scream it out, or trying to train them to sleep this early on. He said at 6 months we can start teaching him to fall asleep on his own & sleep more at night. But for now, we've just got an active little boy who needs lots of food and will keep asking for it every 2 hours or so. That's the kick & kaboodle you get with breastfeeding, he said. That actually takes A LOT of guilt off my shoulders thinking I'm doing something wrong or I need succumb to what others are telling me to do to "fix" Brighton's sleep issue. Last night he actually slept from 10pm-2am...what a beautiful thing for us tired parents :0)

And yesterday, we met the sweet lady who will be watching B those two days when Matthew isn't, when I head back to work in two Mondays from now. She took care of an infant last year for a girl who had a baby as a 19 year old. With two grown teens of her own, whom she homeschools, she knows a heck of a lot more about babies than Matthew or I do! Just meeting her was a reassurance for my aching heart that is dreading saying goodbye to B from that 7 hour stretch. Huge answer to prayer.

Also, I haven't forgotten about the weekend pictures...I just don't have tons of time at the moment to upload them. But hopefully tomorrow or Thursday I will.

A Prayer of Barrenness

...from a book I ran across again this morning that I need to re-read, "Deep Unto Deep". It starts with this prayer, that resonates with my wandering soul these days. I'm realizing more and more how this Christian life just is NOT about getting our act together, our emotions in order, our feelings pumped up. Why do I feel like that's so ingrained into what's being preached by the church? Other Christians? My own heart? When the Gospel preachs that it's about letting Christ lead us into His Arms. Maybe it's because that feels terrifying at times (we don't like to preach about terrifying things :0) when being in His Arms and apart of His Plan doesn't promise "fuzzy, warm feelings" and an easy life. More often than not, it promises circumstances that make us cling to HIm and situations that "feel" uncomfortable, lonely, and puny....but those very situations protecting us from living a strong, easy life forgetting that we even NEED a Savior to rescue us and lead us. If my life was as I wanted it to go - easy, fun, safe - then why would I need a Savior or rescuing? But when life is hard - as it's always been (just read the Psalms!) - I'm forced to realize daily, hourly, just how amazing this Jesus is who didn't leave me in this incredible screwed up, cursed world to fight on my own, but came to save me from it and lead me through it. But the sad truth is that I forget that the minute I've been rescued and find comfort and life in tons of other things - my husband, my new son, my knack at friendships, etc... Gross. But this is living in a cursed world and a fallen body. I think I've spent most of my Christian life thinking I'm supposed to work myself OUT of this cursed body and try to disassociate myself with it. Instead of accepting the paradox, that I'm way more messsed up than I'll ever understand and therefore I'll always struggle in one way or another in this life, but I'm also treasured by my Father because of Christ. That just doesn't fit in my brain very well. But I think I like it more than the failure I feel when I don't measure up, when LIFE doesn't measure up, when my idols don't measure up.

More to come this afternoon or tomorrow on praises of what God has been up to in our lives. We had a GREAT night of sleep last night, thanks to your prayers and His mercy. And also pictures from our awesome weekend at home with my family. So stay tuned...but for now, read on. I hope some of you all can find rest in these words, as I did early this Sunday morning with Brighton snoozing soundly on my chest...

"My heart aches. I love HIm, yes, but faintly.
I desire Him, yes, but weakly.
I want Him, true, but waveringly.
Even the pain that lies within
I recognize to be such faint pain,
A mere discomfort next to the heart-wrenching anguish
That grips true lovers
My knowledge is nothing. My wisdom, infancy.
I see nothing as it truly is.
Eternity what is light. This life of earth what is dark.
Stories remain stories. Not sinking deep within my soul,
And scarring me with Divine inavasion
Your cross is a picture, Your Heaven a fantasy.
Tears are sweet emotions, moved by Your sacrifice.
But not the tears of sharing in Your sufferings.
I say Your name so sweetly but do not know its Face.
All I am is far. So distant, so removed.
But You beckon me come?
Yet, my Lord, I am nothing. I have nothing. I know nothing.
When I thought I had something,
It dissolved before your beauty,
And I was left naked. Possessing nothing,
Poor for words. Empty of all. Needy and alone.
Even so, my Love, call me.
Yes, do not leave me here but beckon me come.
Though I have nothing, though I am only poor,
I cast myself on your unfailing love
Where else would I go?
Whom have I but you?

- D. Candler "Deep Unto Deep"

Being loved...

Brighton has had an overdose of kisses and cuddles and smiling faces to entertain him this past week. It has been such a GIFT for Matthew and I. We were able to go out on our first real date this past Monday evening, (which Matthew is going to post about on the famdamily site when we get back to Philly and can upload some photos), and have been able to just jump in the car and go get coffee or meet my sister for lunch without having to worry about packing enough diapers, or wipes, or clean pacifiers. My parents have taken over "Brighton Duty"...even in the wee hours of the morning. Matthew and I are better parents because of it. It's amazing what a few extra hours of sleep will do. And how terribly we miss our boy when we're separated from him for more than an hour or two. So he's definitely been enjoying his time with his Grans. Pictures will be coming in a few days.

Other than having a great week of rest, we're also being ripped apart by the Spirit and the work He's up to in our lives. As we've begun this process of support-raising for Matthew to do recruiting with WHM and in a few years, hopefully, head overseas to Europe, we've had DOZENS of opportunities to doubt, fear, worry and fall into despair. That on top of me doubting, fearing, worrying about finding child care for Brighton as I head back to work in a couple weeks. We're realizing how puny & faithless we are when our boat gets rocked. We'd rather take the oars and try to fight the ridiculously huge waves on our own, than trust and rest in Christ - that He's the One leading us through all this. We just can't get it through our thick heads that we're his CHILDREN. We keeping thinking we're His co-pilots and that HE needs OUR help to make life "work". As our support coach reminded us yesterday, we are only doubting, fearing and worrying when WE think we know what's best for us or those we love. When we're trusting that ONLY Christ knows what's best and that we're clueless about what we need to "be okay" in this life, then we don't fear or worry. Because we know that He'll give us just the circumstances we need. That STINKS! I want to have an easy life, not circumstances that might make me grow or be stretched or where I'd actually have to depend on someone other than myself?! But what a richer, fuller life that would be than the safe bubble I'd often like to construct for me and my family. I rarely look back on an easy stage in my life and think, "Wow, I learned so much through that. I grew so much and became such a different person because of that." As much as I hate to admit it, it usually through the trying times, the times that feel like I just won't make it, that I look back on and am amazed at who Christ is to have graciously lead me through that and who He is making me because of it. So we've been spending lots of time wrestling with Him in our prayers and being wrapped up in His Arms in the process.

The exciting news is that in spite of my doubting & worrying, He is offering me some grace this afternoon and answering a heavy prayer I've had on my heart. I think He's provided a woman to take care of Brighton for us, just for these next two months that I'm returning to work. She is in a home group with a man Matthew works with at WHM and lives right near his work. So hopefully, if we can find a vehicle to borrow for the next two months as well, Matthew will be able to take Brighton straight to her house and I'll be able to pick him up in the afternoon! She is a mother of two teens, whom she still homeschools, and has nannyed infants before. We'll meet her the Monday we return from Virginia, so keep all four of us in your prayers as we get together that afternoon.

The other exciting news is that my dad & brother survived the triathalon...those nuts. It was a beautiful fall morning at Sherando Lake, but insanely cold to swim 1/2 mile in a mountain lake. I'm amazed they survived that first stretch! Then they had to bike mostly uphill for 19 miles, then run a 5k. Wow. What studs. We'll also post some pictures of that when we get home and get our card reader.

It's been an eventful trip and I could share tons of stories, but I'll leave it there for now. One humorous saga is that the yellow jackets are out of control here in VA this year. They've invaded my parent's basement where we WERE sleeping. Until Matthew got stung in the middle of the night, then I was stung right afterwards. Thankfully Brighton was safe. We're now in my parent's bed :0) Poor things. But man, we are L-O-V-I-N-G the king-size bed after all three sleeping in our tiny full bed. We feel like Brighton is halfway across the room in this huge bed! The downsize, when we return to Philly, won't be very fun :0)

First Big Road Trip

Today we head out on the road for Brighton's first big road trip. We'll pack up our now LOADED car (no more "two duffel bags"...with a baby, we pretty much take the entire house!) and mosey on down Hwy. 15 to Charlottesville, VA. So not only is this his first big trip, it's also his first time in the 'Ville and his first time to my old home. How weird to bring my son into my old bedroom, where I would have never guessed I'd be standing there at 25 years old, holding my baby with my husband. Craziness. Life flies by when you look at it that way. We're a little apprehensive about the 5+hours in the car and how B will handle it...since he's not too fond of his car seat anyhow. But we're more than ready to see my family and just rest for a full week down there.

Saturday, my dad & brother are competing in a triathalon together. Yeh, I don't know why either ;0) My parents and two sisters just returned from a week in London, scoping out the scene with their new team that they'll be heading overseas with in the next year. So I'm not sure how pumped full of energy my dad will be for the triathalon, but I'm proud of him for doing it!!

So keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we pack up and head out around 2pm today. B hasn't been cooperating with my packing schedule this morning. They always seem to know when you NEED to get something done and that's when they (1) stay up most of the night before, like last night (2) refuse to take a nap the next day when you're frantically trying to pack, clean, water plants, and (3) on top of that, refuse to be put down for any stretch of time. So here I am trying to carry B around, pack up all his junk, sterilize pacifiers, cram down some lunch, walk to the co-op for last minute car snacks, pack a cooler of food for us & bottles for B. Why am I blogging then, you ask? Well after that crazy of morning, I FINALLY got the boy to fall asleep on my chest, so I'm taking this breather of a 30 min. stretch to chill, drink some coffee and bid adieu to the blog for awhile. Maybe I can write some in C'ville, but I'm pretty sure I'll be taking advantage of all the eager arms longing to hold Brighton and I'll be catching up on ZZZs any chance I get :0)

I'll be back with pics of our trip in a week or so!

bedhead

Good mornin' sleepyhead. Brighton's hair is a trip to us. It's as thick as it was the day he was born. Maybe he'll loose it all one of these days, like they keep telling us, but for now we're enjoying it and his funky bedhead do's. You might think we spiked his hair in this pic or manipulated it in some way, but we did NOTHING to it...how funny is that?! And way to go Matthew for capturing B's first camera smile. Maybe he thought his hair was funny too.

birth announcement

Well folks, that spider bite just did me in. They had to remove my leg this morning. Oh wait, just kidding...all I needed was some ANTIBIOTICS! Thank goodness Ididn't spend the night in the ER this weekend, when all the doc did this morning was poke it, prescribe some antibiotics and send me on my way in less than 15 minutes. I would have been livid if I'd wait hours for that! So I don't know if I was foolish and just lucked out or not, but I'm thankful for how this all turned out either way.

I've got some hilarious bedhead pics of B to upload later today. But for now, here's our birth announcement we sent out. Unfortunately, we're poor and couldn't afford more than a few for some out-of-town friends and family. For all others, hope you enjoy this one!

Fruitless trip to the ER

Last night I spent three hours in the ER, not a fun alternative to our planned "date night". I had gotten some sort of itchy insect bite a few days ago - mostly likely from a jumping spider I saw & squooshed while folding laundry on the floor - that suddenly turned into a swollen blue sore surrounded by a three inch raised red ring all around it. And man, it ACHED everytime I stood up and blood rushed to it. Weird. So I called the doctor, which of course had just closed a few hours earlier, and was told I should go to the ER in case it was a tick bite or something serious. Well, I never saw a tick or pulled one out of me, so I thought that was highly unlikely. But I heeded her advice and set off in the rain, leaving Matthew at home with a bottle for B. Three hours later, I ditched the packed ER, realizing I probably wouldn't be seen for hours, since most everyone else in there looked a lot worse off that I did and ambulances kept arriving. I figured my leg wouldn't fall off by Monday and Brighton needed to eat. The triag nurse wasn't too pumped about that, but seeing as we had no other option - no extra vehicle for Matthew to bring Brighton to me and no way on earth I'd go get him to keep with me there, she let me go. My doctor called LIVID this morning that I hadn't stayed. When I asked her what she recommended I do with my 7 week old son, she had nothing to say, but instead rattled of a list of potential horrific things that could happen to me - neurological damage, permanent tissue damage, scarring, etc... Umm, okay, let's not panic or anything, doc. Why do doctor's feel like they always need to do that? Why does it feel like they're always just trying to cover their rear and not actually relate to you as a person. Not empathize with me about how difficult a decision this was or help me come up with a solution of how to wait for 5+ hours and be able to feed my infant son? I guess there are some out there that do, I know I've been blessed with great doctors in the past who know and love our family. Maybe that's why it's so hard to suddenly not be known and not really cared about. Just being another number, another problem to solve, another case. She left me with an ominous warning and the grave responsibilty of making my own decision in the matter...thanks. Unless it gets a lot worse today, I'm just going to keep hot-compressing it and taking some ibruprophen. I guess I shouid repent for being so bitter against the whole medical system...argh, it just thoroughly frustrates me. These are the days I wish I lived back in the 1800's with good ol' Doc Jones to ride his horse over to our house and talk to Matthew about the weather and crops and set to fixin' up my leg. Ha! That probably would entail amputating it back then though. But according to my current doctor, that may just be our only solution come Monday...ha, ha ;0)

No more froggy legs...

As of tomorrow, Brighton will be 8 weeks old. Wow. I never thought we'd make it this far those first few rough weeks! Although the sleepless nights haven't improved, we're loving these new days with B. He's changing so much - smiling at us often, cooing and "talking", seemingly taking in more of the world and enjoying being here now instead of freaking out not being in the safe, cozy womb. His body language speaks to that, here in this picture. Instead of his limbs being tightly curled, his legs frogged up to his tummy, he's stretched out like a cat soaking up the rays from a window. True, he just finished eating, so he's drunk on milk, but still...overall he seems to dig his new home these days.

But with the growth and changes, this also means my maternity leave is drawing to a close. As I prepare to head back to work November 7th, my heart is definitely feeling the ache of leaving my new little boy. Hopefully, it will only be for a couple months, until we're able to go on insurance through Matthew's job and until I can find a part-time job where I can work mostly from home or bring Brighton with me. But even a few days feels like torture to me at this point. I know I'll be a sobbing mess that first day back. Please keep all three of us in your thoughts and prayers as that day approaches and as we make other arrangements - interviewing potential child care providers, attempt to find a vehicle to borrow for 6 weeks to ease our transportation dilema, etc... We're meeting with a couple on Monday who goes to the local seminary here in Philly who might be our match for childcare. But as sweet as this gal is, it still feels unbearable to think of handing B over at under 3 months!

Thanks for your encouragement and prayers during this time!

Welcome Candelaria Margot!

HURRAY!! Baby Beatty has arrived! After many prayers, the sweet little Candelaria Margot Beatty has graced the world with her presence. She arrived last night around 11:45pm after a little over 3 hours of active labor. Way to go Maria & Geoff! They were able to have a successful homebirth with the same midwife who delivered our little B...even though she didn't arrive until Maria was almost ready to push! Little Clara was a healthy 8lbs. 6oz. We'll get more details when we're able to visit, but just wanted to rejoice with them and announce our congrats! We're so excited to have our "completed community" now here in Mt. Airy/Germantown. All three babies are here - healthy and ready to be lavished with love by all. Thank you Jesus for these three precious gifts! I'll try to post some pictures of the beautiful (I'm sure!) Beatty girl after we return from our visit this afternoon.

Apple Picking

To carry on the tradition we started last year when we moved out here from Colorado, we headed back up to the Solebury Orchard for fall apple picking this weekend...this time with our SON in tow! Last time we were at the orchard, this summer picking blueberries, he was in my belly. This time he was strapped to Matthew's chest in his Baby Bjorn with his hip sweater & beanie. We headed up early Saturday morning enjoying the sunny, cool weather and beautiful drive through the back country of Montgomery County, PA. We took the tractor ride out to the trees and filled up our basket with some delicious apples then headed back to the barn for some apple cider donuts. It was a wonderful restful weekend for all three of us. These shots are from our apple picking excursion last fall.