2 years
Today we celebrate our 2 year anniversary. How do those celebrations change after having a baby? Well last year we planned a trip to New York City. Stayed in an awesome apartment in the upper westside. Walked all day visiting museums, Chinatown, Central Park, hip restaurants. Just two pairs of legs and one backpack between us. We'd roll out of bed and be out the door 15 minutes later. No planning, no restraints, no "what ifs". And now? The LAST thing we want to do is use the tiny ounces of brain-power we have left to fight traffic into the city, research a fun restaurant, or deal with the hoards of people. You might think this is lame, like I would have pre-Brighton, and swore up and down I would NOT settle for such changes to my lifestyle/plans. But like any season you end up finding yourself in, you realize your expectations have to be adjusted and your priorities change regardless of whether you wanted them to or not. You have become a different person.
I am not the person I thought I would be when I imagined having a baby, becoming a mom. I guess I didn't realize how much I'd fall in love with a person I'd never met before or hadn't "chosen". How much I'd be willing to sacrifice. I remember telling Matthew the day before we found out I was pregnant, last December 13th 2004, what a pathetic mom I'd be at this point in my life. I didn't want to give up my lifestyle, our freedom as a couple, my time to serve a nonresponsive, crying baby. And I really believed that. When we found out I was pregnant, everyone kept saying you'd be amazed at how quickly you'd fall in love with your child. I didn't believe it. But was proved wrong those first few weeks after Brighton arrived. My midwife calls it baby infatuation. It's like falling in love. You just can't get enough of their smell, gazing at all their tiny little body parts, cuddling them. You could just sit their for hours doing this. I know, it was weird for me to find myself doing that when I felt so unprepared and undesirious to become a mom. Now I can't even remember what it felt like to think that.
But I digress, back to these season/lifestyle changes...I often find myself hyper-critical of other people's lives. I look at the season they're in and think "Woah, I will NEVER do that". Whether it was being single and observing married couples, being married and observing parents, being a parent and observing parents with toddlers. I think it's a self-righteous thing mixed with this idealized view we have of life for ourselves...and how we seem to forsee how we will live life without flaws. And that hypothetical-life I forsee myself living is perfect & untainted by this fallen world and my own brokeness. Then when you actually FIND yourself in that season, the part of living in a fallen world, becomes glaringly obvious and my hypothetical perfected map of life is quickly torn apart. Then I look back at those same people I was critizing and want to kiss their feet and honor them for the sacrifices they've made in their lives, the challenges they've worked through, the example they now are to me. Those are the times I'm really disgusted by the darkness and judgemental slant of my heart. Thankfully I'm not left there in my digust, but am reminded that this Savior, Jesus, is in the process of sanctifying that very heart.
So here we are, about the celebrate our 2 year anniversary in a very "new-mommy, new-daddy" way. Head to our favorite local pub, McNalley's, and then come home and crash...just be ALONE together for a few hours. No longer do I deem sitting around the house doing nothing together as lame, those moments are now priceless for Matthew and I. Worth more than a dozen romantic restaurants and blocks of unexplored NYC streets. Yes, this is a new and very different season for us, but this is raw, unromanticised, rich life at it's best. Without the frills, but with deeper, fuller meaning. We have a precious son, a life to share in raising with Christ. He comes with a lot of work, a lot of sacrifice, a lot of change to Matthew and I's life...but with a great reward. Being able to observe Christ shaping and using this little soul for his kingdom. That is worth far more than a few exciting dates or moments alone with Matthew. Those times will come again, and even though they'll be more sporadic and less predictable, this is living the kingdom life. Laying down our plans for a much greater Plan, crafted by the Lover of our Souls. We get to experience being in love as husband & wife in a new, fresh way that involves more sacrifce than we ever imagined. With that sacrifice, another layer of ourselves is torn away and we get to know and be known in a way we haven't yet experienced these past 2 years.
Although I crave predictability in my life and comfort and MY plan to succeed, my heart really does want to be captivated by something more. Something wild, unknown and far greater than my own measley expectations. That will ALWAYS involve dying. ALWAYS involve pain in some sense. Yikes. Why did I believe for so many years that being a Christian meant the opposite and God being good meant my life went according to my plans? I'm thankful He's much more wild, much more passionate, much more risky that I ever thought. And that He's willing to throw us into seasons we're not fully prepared for to remind us just how much we need His guidance and His love more than anything else we've foiled ourselves into believing offers safety & life.
I love you Matthew and am thrilled to be on this adventure into parenthood, marriage, life with you and Christ. Happy Two Year Anniversary.
Love,
Your fellow "trench-mate"
