A Prayer of Barrenness

...from a book I ran across again this morning that I need to re-read, "Deep Unto Deep". It starts with this prayer, that resonates with my wandering soul these days. I'm realizing more and more how this Christian life just is NOT about getting our act together, our emotions in order, our feelings pumped up. Why do I feel like that's so ingrained into what's being preached by the church? Other Christians? My own heart? When the Gospel preachs that it's about letting Christ lead us into His Arms. Maybe it's because that feels terrifying at times (we don't like to preach about terrifying things :0) when being in His Arms and apart of His Plan doesn't promise "fuzzy, warm feelings" and an easy life. More often than not, it promises circumstances that make us cling to HIm and situations that "feel" uncomfortable, lonely, and puny....but those very situations protecting us from living a strong, easy life forgetting that we even NEED a Savior to rescue us and lead us. If my life was as I wanted it to go - easy, fun, safe - then why would I need a Savior or rescuing? But when life is hard - as it's always been (just read the Psalms!) - I'm forced to realize daily, hourly, just how amazing this Jesus is who didn't leave me in this incredible screwed up, cursed world to fight on my own, but came to save me from it and lead me through it. But the sad truth is that I forget that the minute I've been rescued and find comfort and life in tons of other things - my husband, my new son, my knack at friendships, etc... Gross. But this is living in a cursed world and a fallen body. I think I've spent most of my Christian life thinking I'm supposed to work myself OUT of this cursed body and try to disassociate myself with it. Instead of accepting the paradox, that I'm way more messsed up than I'll ever understand and therefore I'll always struggle in one way or another in this life, but I'm also treasured by my Father because of Christ. That just doesn't fit in my brain very well. But I think I like it more than the failure I feel when I don't measure up, when LIFE doesn't measure up, when my idols don't measure up.

More to come this afternoon or tomorrow on praises of what God has been up to in our lives. We had a GREAT night of sleep last night, thanks to your prayers and His mercy. And also pictures from our awesome weekend at home with my family. So stay tuned...but for now, read on. I hope some of you all can find rest in these words, as I did early this Sunday morning with Brighton snoozing soundly on my chest...

"My heart aches. I love HIm, yes, but faintly.
I desire Him, yes, but weakly.
I want Him, true, but waveringly.
Even the pain that lies within
I recognize to be such faint pain,
A mere discomfort next to the heart-wrenching anguish
That grips true lovers
My knowledge is nothing. My wisdom, infancy.
I see nothing as it truly is.
Eternity what is light. This life of earth what is dark.
Stories remain stories. Not sinking deep within my soul,
And scarring me with Divine inavasion
Your cross is a picture, Your Heaven a fantasy.
Tears are sweet emotions, moved by Your sacrifice.
But not the tears of sharing in Your sufferings.
I say Your name so sweetly but do not know its Face.
All I am is far. So distant, so removed.
But You beckon me come?
Yet, my Lord, I am nothing. I have nothing. I know nothing.
When I thought I had something,
It dissolved before your beauty,
And I was left naked. Possessing nothing,
Poor for words. Empty of all. Needy and alone.
Even so, my Love, call me.
Yes, do not leave me here but beckon me come.
Though I have nothing, though I am only poor,
I cast myself on your unfailing love
Where else would I go?
Whom have I but you?

- D. Candler "Deep Unto Deep"