Is THAT for me?!

When life gets sucky, my first conclusion is that God gyped me. That he was so busy preparing a lushious feast for others, that he frantically had to whip together pot of porridge for me. Nothing tantalizing about it. Just enough nutrients to keep me alive, but no frills or details or raisins included. I think he's giving me just enough so I won't keel over and die, but He sure as heck doesn't want to lavish me with His love or shower me in His goodness.

Yikes, what a dangerous perspective.

I relate the happenings of living in a cursed world to God's love for me? I try to squeeze him into my limited human equation that if x+y=crappy circustances than that's His proof of forgetting about me? I really don't get it. I don't get what it means to be a daughter of a Loving, Gracious Heavenly Father. I don't get the fact that I live in a fallen world where life is not as it was meant to be. That people will fail me, that circumstances will almost crush me, that I'll deeply wound others. But that Christ is redeeming this world, ME, others in the HEAT of the fires of brokeness. That He uses these cursed situations to draw us closer to Him, the only quenching resting place. I'd rather live with the illusion that this IS the only rest I'll get so it better be worthwhile?! What a sad lie I've bought into. If you are one who prays...I would covet your prayers. Below is a letter I sent to group of friends who've committed to praying with and for me during this season in my life:

Dear praying friends,

As I head into my last full week at home, I'm feeling the need to be covered in your prayers again. I started the morning in tears as Matthew and I had a pretty heated discussion about changes that need to happen with Brighton and how we're handling his sleep issues. After coming back together and realizing we're both sapped and running on empty, we both encouraged one another to "recruit the troops" to pray for us as we head into some emotionally tough changes.

Here's the brief synopsis, with more details below, if you care to read on:

Please pray for:

1. Wisdom for Matthew and I, and partnership, as we sort through all the "sleep trainer methods" and figure out something that works for all three of us - Matthew, Brighton and myself.

2. For rest in Christ as my Father AND Brighton's Father as we start our first week- next Monday- being apart for 7 hours a day. For us both to adjust to the transition of being separated.

3. To be able to THANK Christ for these circumstances, which is just what Matthew, Brighton and I need to depend more on Him and less on ourselves and life going how we think it should. As we are being encouraged to believe by more seasoned folks who have gone before us...even if we don't FEEL that way.

4. For my heart to be able to worship Christ and enjoy Him in the MIDST of these circumstances...not when they get better or when I feel better about them.

And for those who have time to read on, here are some of my thoughts on the above prayer needs...

1. It STINKS to be at odds with your hubby and feel like you're on two totally separate pages...especially when it comes to your new kiddo. We need to both step out of the victim role and move into a partnership about this whole sleep thing and how to make changes in what currently is going on. And we need wisdom from the SPIRT...not all the well-meaning friends or piles of books I've breezed through...we need Christ to direct us towards what changes need to be made and when. This is a hard week we're heading up to with me going back to work and I feel like I have NOTHING to give, NO energy to make changes, and am treading on thin emotional ice.

2. Needless to say, I am NOT looking forward to walking out the door at 7:30am next Monday morning. I never thought it would be so hard to say goodbye to another person who is so dependent on you before. It's different than saying goodbye to my family as I headed off to college, or saying goodbye to Matthew before we got married when we would have brief weekend visits here in Philly or in Colorado. It's same in the sense of feeling a tearing that just "doesn't seem right"...but more intense when it's this little person that grew inside you for 10 months and who hasn't been out of your sight for more than 3-4hours for any stretch of his life yet. And more than that, I just love being apart of his daily changes and growth and love being a mom. Going off to a job for a credit card company just feels so...pointless. But as I was praying yesterday morning for Christ to keep showing me my heart and sin that's festering in there, he brought me to a reading by a guy named Taito Kantonen who was discussing Luther's ideas on stewardship and vocation, "While his daily work appears to have nothing to do with God, he (Luther) sees it as a mask disguising God's presence. He recognizes the world with all its activities as God's workshop, not something neutral , secular or profane, to which the church must try to give spiritual content. He learns to avoid a false division between the spiritual and the earthly..." At this time in my life, God has given me this job. And I can resist that and be bitter towards that and argue how wrong it is that I should have to leave Brighton...or I can trust that this is the circumstance he uniquely designed for me, Brighton and Matthew and for the GOOD of our hearts, souls and relationship with Him. I need to REST in my daughtership and trust He knows what's best for all three of us. And trust his Fathering of Brighton and the circumstances He is leading him through now and ALL the circumstances - tough & trying - He'll lead him through in the future.

3. And again, as we're being challenged by other loving, but bold figures in our lives - we need to learn to thank Christ for these circumstances, because they are causing us to be the weak, needy children we're supposed to be and not the together, proud pseudo-christians we try to be. I need a big Savior to rescue me from thinking I know what's best for myself and my loved ones! And He's here, and He offers that freedom, and I need to learn how to THANK HIM for it!

4. And as my mom is always challenging me to do more of in sucky circumstances...worship Christ! I am so hesitant to turn on the ipod and listen to some worship music or read some Valley of Vision because it just feels so pointless. I feel too bogged down in my circumstances and too annoyed at Christ for supposedly slopping porridge on my plate instead of giving me a feast, that I don't even really WANT to worship Him. I'm stuck in that haze of a lie. Even when I'm ALWAYS proved wrong by how He provides and cares for me. It's crazy how when the Spirit forces me to give in and I'm suddenly face to face with a glorious God...how humbling and overpowering it is. My world and focus is suddenly reoriented to the truth. That this life will never measure up. That God is more worthy of ALL my praise and energy and focus than anything else. That in worship is where I'll find really soul-quenching rest...and that's the only place. That seriously is the ONLY place. I get cat-nap type rest when my circumstances are better, when Brighton has allowed me a 3 hour chunk of sleep, when Matthew and I are lovey-dovey, and so on. But that deep, comforting REST I've only ever found in giving up and falling into worship of this crazy, wild, passionate God. I need more of that time, even if it's a 5 minute song. I need serious reorientation....especially as I head into next week.

Thank you for reading my ramblings and being the prayer "arms" that support my weakness. Somedays I'm tired of feeling so much and just want to be free of it all. I long for that perfected self I'll get to be in heaven, that only wants to run around with her Daddy and enjoy being in love with Him completely and purely.

Please let me know how I can love you all through my prayers for you and all that fills your lives during this season. It helps to get my eyes off myself and pulls me back into the kingdom and how God is on the move in OTHERS!

Much love,
Amy