thoughts from a frustrated momma
I was just talking to my best bud from high school and having to postpone her trip up here to visit because I've been feeling so poopy. I had a pregnancy scare/issue that kept me in bed all weekend and has persited throughout the week. It's made me realize what a controlling person I am, in regards to myself and what I "should" be able to manage.
When I was 6 years old I was obsessed with re-arranging my room. I would push around my huge mahoganey double bed and 5ft. dresser. A scrawny 6 year old! Each time I'd get punished, but each time after that, I'd think Mom would be SO impressed by how amazing my re-organized room would look that she wouldn't care if I permanently damaged my 6 year old back and our hardwood floors :0) Now, being a young, active, healthly gal I'm used to being able to handle anything. I could always bounce back from sickness or fatigue and could push myself physically (like when moving apartments or cleaning, etc...) Now I feel as if I have to take everything extra slow and constantly refrain from wanting to push myself. Lifting weights now makes me sweat and makes my heart race, which never happened before. And my runs have turned into, run-walk-run-walk-run-walk...argh. I have to wait for Matthew to move a big box for me or come home and rest before starting dinner or do things that just DON'T fit with my schedule for the day...I know you all are laughing, especially my friends who know how Type A I am :0) And yes, in my MIND it makes sense that I'm pregnant and my body is working overtime anyway (what you all are thinking...or wanting to scream at me :0), but I can't reconcile that with my emotions that feel like I'm constantly "sick" or something.
So after getting off the phone with my friend dissappointed, I began to think of how good this time probably is for me. In that not-so-fun refining way. Because I am forced, in a way I've never been before, to slow down, to toss the "schedule" out the window, to sit and read when I want to unpack or organize, and to accept my "weakness" in a new way. There are lots of layers to that, but one branch of that is that I think talking about weakness for me is easy but BEING weak is not. I talk about weakness being so good for us and such a learning lesson (hear my sappy sarcasm?) but I run from it as fast as I can...now I can't waddle fast enough to get away from it. I HAVE to depend on other people. I HAVE to let go of my plans. I HAVE to find life in Christ and not in being capable or on top of life. Yuck. I hate learning lessons.
Especially when they reveal layers of junk in my heart that I've carefully grown and tended all these years. I think "No, this is how I cope with life. I can't let that go or let it be "pruned away"! I HAVE to be efficient and independent and capabale to function properly! I can't go around depending on people all the time or letting the dishes sit in the sink for over 5.63 seconds!" Hmm...is that really TRUTH or is it just the paradigm I've lived with for so long that moving away from it feels like taking on a whole new religion or something? That's what the world tells me - be hip-young-capable-superMom! Don't let that pregnancy drag you down! Eat right, exercise, keep working hard, don't stop! That's what I hear, that's what I WANT to be/do...but I think it's a far reach from what I'm called to be as a daughter of Christ. Dependant on HIM, not on myself. Resting in HIM, not in getting the house cleaned or dinner made. Letting things go and knowing that it's not only good for me, but for our little baby as well.
As always, I have a lot more to learn than I ever think. This pregnancy has been good for me in more ways that I would have expected. But those thoughts are just ONE aspect of this pregnancy that I thought I should share and not just all the fun things. Like anything in life, pregnancy is a process of good days and hard days. It's real life like any other stage we go through. I typed in my journal this morning, that even in the hard days of pregnancy, I'm constantly amazed at the miracle of it. Seeing my stomach bounce as baby Smith kicks will never cease to amaze me. That there's this little person in there. A real soul that will live for eternity!? I think I thanked Christ for the first time for this gift to be able to carry this little boy. I just hadn't thought to thank Him before. But wow, it is SUCH a gift to be so intimately invovled in this process of a life being created.
Thanks for listening and bearing with my Type A ways of thinking...especially you mothers who are burning to shake me and tell me to LET GO ;0) Christ is in the process of working through my thick skull!
When I was 6 years old I was obsessed with re-arranging my room. I would push around my huge mahoganey double bed and 5ft. dresser. A scrawny 6 year old! Each time I'd get punished, but each time after that, I'd think Mom would be SO impressed by how amazing my re-organized room would look that she wouldn't care if I permanently damaged my 6 year old back and our hardwood floors :0) Now, being a young, active, healthly gal I'm used to being able to handle anything. I could always bounce back from sickness or fatigue and could push myself physically (like when moving apartments or cleaning, etc...) Now I feel as if I have to take everything extra slow and constantly refrain from wanting to push myself. Lifting weights now makes me sweat and makes my heart race, which never happened before. And my runs have turned into, run-walk-run-walk-run-walk...argh. I have to wait for Matthew to move a big box for me or come home and rest before starting dinner or do things that just DON'T fit with my schedule for the day...I know you all are laughing, especially my friends who know how Type A I am :0) And yes, in my MIND it makes sense that I'm pregnant and my body is working overtime anyway (what you all are thinking...or wanting to scream at me :0), but I can't reconcile that with my emotions that feel like I'm constantly "sick" or something.
So after getting off the phone with my friend dissappointed, I began to think of how good this time probably is for me. In that not-so-fun refining way. Because I am forced, in a way I've never been before, to slow down, to toss the "schedule" out the window, to sit and read when I want to unpack or organize, and to accept my "weakness" in a new way. There are lots of layers to that, but one branch of that is that I think talking about weakness for me is easy but BEING weak is not. I talk about weakness being so good for us and such a learning lesson (hear my sappy sarcasm?) but I run from it as fast as I can...now I can't waddle fast enough to get away from it. I HAVE to depend on other people. I HAVE to let go of my plans. I HAVE to find life in Christ and not in being capable or on top of life. Yuck. I hate learning lessons.
Especially when they reveal layers of junk in my heart that I've carefully grown and tended all these years. I think "No, this is how I cope with life. I can't let that go or let it be "pruned away"! I HAVE to be efficient and independent and capabale to function properly! I can't go around depending on people all the time or letting the dishes sit in the sink for over 5.63 seconds!" Hmm...is that really TRUTH or is it just the paradigm I've lived with for so long that moving away from it feels like taking on a whole new religion or something? That's what the world tells me - be hip-young-capable-superMom! Don't let that pregnancy drag you down! Eat right, exercise, keep working hard, don't stop! That's what I hear, that's what I WANT to be/do...but I think it's a far reach from what I'm called to be as a daughter of Christ. Dependant on HIM, not on myself. Resting in HIM, not in getting the house cleaned or dinner made. Letting things go and knowing that it's not only good for me, but for our little baby as well.
As always, I have a lot more to learn than I ever think. This pregnancy has been good for me in more ways that I would have expected. But those thoughts are just ONE aspect of this pregnancy that I thought I should share and not just all the fun things. Like anything in life, pregnancy is a process of good days and hard days. It's real life like any other stage we go through. I typed in my journal this morning, that even in the hard days of pregnancy, I'm constantly amazed at the miracle of it. Seeing my stomach bounce as baby Smith kicks will never cease to amaze me. That there's this little person in there. A real soul that will live for eternity!? I think I thanked Christ for the first time for this gift to be able to carry this little boy. I just hadn't thought to thank Him before. But wow, it is SUCH a gift to be so intimately invovled in this process of a life being created.
Thanks for listening and bearing with my Type A ways of thinking...especially you mothers who are burning to shake me and tell me to LET GO ;0) Christ is in the process of working through my thick skull!
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