The beginnings of letting go

We've had great "plans" formulating about this birth coming up in August and how we want things to go, where we want to have our baby, who we want to deliver him, etc...etc... Ah yes, plans. Matthew and Amy are soooo good at formulating them down to the most minute detail. And VERY bad at letting them go...especially Amy :0)

Don't get me wrong, plans are great, but they rarely pan out how you expected. We of ALL people should have a pretty solid grasp on that concept by now...HA!

We've been going to a small birthing center owned by one midwife instead of doing the traditional OB office where you meet with a different doc each time. We have LOVED getting to know our midwife, sitting with her for over an hour at most appointments just talking about our fears and excitement about this pregnancy. We feel safe & comfortable with her and trust her to take good care of us when we head into our baby's "birth day" in a couple months. She knows where I'm at physically and emotionally with this pregnancy...both are key things when it comes to delivering a bambino.

So needless to say, we were a little worried when we got an email yesterday about the financial stress they're suddenly facing with the recent increased malpractice insurance costs in the city...and that they might have to close their doors as soon as this month.

Hmm, nice little birth plans. Possibly flying out the window. After going into Amy-default-mode and freaking out, Christ gently reminded me that this is just the beginning of letting go how I want this whole birth thing to pan out. There will be LOTS of unexpected turns, some good, some hard. But either way, we have no control over this situation. We can make lots of great "plans" but this natural thing will happen with it's own free will in most ways. There's a place Christ is calling Matthew and I to rest that has nothing to do with natural vs. epidural, birth center vs. hospital...He's calling us to once again, grab His hand and trust that He's the one in control of bringing little Brighton into the world and He'll take care of not only him, but of us in the process. Whether I deliver at our birth center or in a bright, noisy hospital...whether I get to experience natural childbirth or have to have some emergency procedure. Hmm, this makes me think there is A LOT to let go of...and this is just the start.

There's a lot I don't even realize I'm holding onto white-knuckled. More than just how I'll deliver...how I'll transition into being a mom, how I'll take care a of this little squeeling, helpless thing, how Matthew and I will connect after long, sleepless days/nights, how I'll juggle work & baby, etc...etc... If you can't tell by this point in the blog...I am a controlling maniac. I want everything figured out. T's crossed and i's dotted clearly BEFORE I move onto the next phase of life. If I haven't had that up until this point, I HIGHLY doubt becoming a Mom will make that any easier :0) Thank goodness Jesus loves to carry even crazy nut-cases like me and show us our junk, so we can realize even more just HOW MUCH we need Him!

Learning to let go...never an easy process. Always much easier when a marg is in hand, but alas, I'll have to wait for that until AFTER the baby is here :0)